Deathless Gods

A Good Day to Die Part 1

Preperations begin for War:

The new independent state of Seamoor begins to prepare for the storm that is coming. With construction underway on several projects including the new military base. “A” team decides to not only clear one of the routes leading into Seamoor but hopefully conscript some Gnolls into our army. We begin heading out to where we had tracked the cultist encampment. When we get near the crossroads for the alchemist house we notice a frail Gnoll woman. She says she has been expecting us and that we need to be the saviors of her people. It all seems a little to convenient but who are we to look a gift horse in the mouth. She begins to tell us that the cultists have enslaved her people and are using them to bring terrible demons to our realm and that if they succeed it could spell disaster for the realms as we know it. Asmo(who FINALLY returned), Antares, and Nytia all share a sarcastic look. I mean really how bad can it be…

When we approach the monastery where the cultists have holed up even though it’s 11 in the morning the sky grows dark, crackles with thunder and the sky tears asunder. From the rip in time and space a giant meteor plummets towards the monastery.

Apparently it can be pretty bad…

Antares has his familiar case the place and when he reports back that there seems to be no activity we decide to do the stupid thing and walk right in the front door. I mean what could go wrong. As we approach the ground looks scorched and blackened there is a ruined building to our left and a small shed to the right with the monastery looming in front of us. We decide to check out the shed to avoid any surprises from behind. As we approach the world is suddenly spinning and our ears are ringing. When the disorientation clears we realize that we have stepped on an undetonated thunder stone. That’s when the howls began…

The tormented whispers of a million ruptured abominations begin assaulting our minds as we see a pack of slavering demon dogs jump and begin running at us from the destroyed ruin. Quickly, Nytia sings her song of rapture and entralls the dogs who decide maybe we are not so bad after all. (Note to dungeon bastard: Bards can in fact be very useful; even if they should be a dwarf.) With the impending battle avoided we decide to finish checking out the shed. Even while I am still arguing with the whispers in my head.

When we enter the house the atmosphere is oppressive and our very breath seems to be taken out of our lungs. We see a fireplace and some stairs up with little else on the first floor. Justice checks the fireplace and in the ruble finds a strong box. He tosses it over to Bandersnatch for him to open it up. Inside there is very little but some good coin.

We decide to check upstairs as we climb the stairs we see crates and goods and an overwhelming darkness that our light cannot seem to penetrate. Bander and Junker climb side by side to push the darkness aside we toss a sun rod in the room as it get close to the darkness a hideous ghost white face screams and both Junker and Bander are visibly shaken but still standing even if our hearts stopped for a second. Junker fires a shot off from the death ray but it goes wide as he is obviously still shaken. Bander draws his weapon and wades in. The others come upstairs and try to torch the unholy thing only to find it is immune to fire. Junker draws his weapon and swings true only to feel like he struck solid rock. Asmo tries some acid to see how it does unfortunately it gets absorbed the same as the fire. The only options seem to be magic weapons and Bander is doing a number on it with his. Junker gets tired of not being able to hurt it and shoots it with the death ray. It seems to be shaken but not dead….(how disappointing). The scream comes again but once again we seem to stave off its effects. We finally drop it after tearing into it with magic weapons and Antares dragon claws. In what we find from the loot miraculously we find a magical bastard sword for Junker. Sometimes fate is kind. There is also a broad sword that find but don’t have a clue about it. Checking the items upstairs we find little else.

We decide it’s time to finally take on the monastery. We head out and begin our march toward the site where the meteor is coming down… will it be our last stand or another in a long string of victories. We will find out soon enough.

To be continued.

The Clown Prince's Manifesto

For as long as I can remember I always wanted to be a jester. To me that was better than being Lord of the realm. To be a jester was to own the world.

I always knew that words would do more than violence to help this world get out of its seemingly-eternal rut. A joke here, some commentary there, and maybe a couple fewer heads get caved in. While that might work on a small scale, if you want whole populations to live more joyous lives, you have to be brave enough to go out there and do something about it. Words can only get us so far. I tried everything I knew. I obsessed over a carefully-crafted analogy, a turn of phrase, a choice of font.

You could say I finally found a Lucida thought. In these Times, New Roaming heroes will remake the world in their image. If you want to make an Impact, people have to work together—nobody does it alone. No subterranean demon nor Arial angel will decide for us. It’s our Script to write. Your scribblings on Papyrus might ease tensions in a tavern for a night, or even produce a grand play that’s performed for a Century in some Gothic cathedral. Your myth might be inscribed on the Copperplating of a mighty vessel, built to traverse the Wingding path of an infinite river.

Nailing my point Tahoma, I’ll leave you with this: What good is a Courier without a destination? A Trebuchet without a wall to crush? A Comic, Sans audience? None, that’s what. Tip your waitresses, and support your local adventurer. They might just send some sorry bastard to Hel



Battle Hymn

Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the dwarves,
Here to shield the town of Seamoor from old Oizys’ filthy hordes.
We prepare to face the rancor of the terrible black lord,
And Seamoor marches on.

Glory, glory hallelujah!
Glory, glory hallelujah!
Glory, glory hallelujah!
And Seamoor marches on.

In the beauty of the swampland sits a city of the sea,
Wearied fishermen and merchants praying one day to be free.
One final act of evil turned them ’gainst the bourgeoisie.
They took their destiny

Glory, glory hallelujah!
Glory, glory hallelujah!
Glory, glory hallelujah!
They took their destiny

I have seen His agents pillaging all those who fear his might,
Forced to build for him arenas where the innocent must fight.
But His empire now begins to wane, as day must follow night.
The people shall be free.

Glory, glory hallelujah!
Glory, glory hallelujah!
Glory, glory hallelujah!
The people shall be free.

’Tis a motley crew of heroes armed with swords they took from tombs
Led by magic bardic Nytia whose words sting worse than wounds
The dragon-mage Antares lends his fiery KA-BOOM
Our champions march for thee.

Glory, glory hallelujah!
Glory, glory hallelujah!
Glory, glory hallelujah!
Our champions march for thee.

Our Captain Nin, clad all in steel, shall liberate this town
With blade and bow she’ll slay our foes and tear their towers down
Explosive poison beakers warp strange Asmo’s crooked frown
Our heroes marching on.

Glory, glory hallelujah!
Glory, glory hallelujah!
Glory, glory hallelujah!
Our heroes marching on.

They have sounded forth the trumpet that shall herald their defeat;
We shall crush their cursed bodies under armored bloody pleat
Oh, be swift my friends, to answer me, force darkness to retreat
The Titan soon shall fall.

Glory, glory hallelujah!
Glory, glory hallelujah!
Glory, glory hallelujah!
The Titan soon shall fall

We are coming like the glory of the morning on the wave
Human wisdom, dwarven prowess, and the other races brave
No longer slaves to terror, nor are we led by the depraved
Our nation marches on.

And Seamoor marches on.

A Murder, an Ambush, a Release

Bandersnatch woke early in the morning to a scream. Upon investigation, she found Troll and the city guard gathered at a villager’s home. A woman had been murdered—bludgeoned and stabbed to death with ice. A frozen path led to the dock district, where the trail was lost. Oceanous’s severed ear twitched and bled. Could it be him, somehow cursed, risen, and seeking revenge on the town?

At few moments later, trumpets blared. A procession approached Seamoor! As the mayor, council members, and head of the City Watch, it was the group’s responsibility to meet them. Twelve golden platemailed guards surrounded four ten-foot-tall leather-clad men, who in turn guarded an even taller gold-skinned woman. They rode huge pack beasts bearing howdahs. The A Team assembled, and learned that the visitor was a Luminary of Oizys. Fair enough. Time for us to deal with the regional establishment. Then came the demands. “Half your amassed treasure! Your townsfolk shall be eaten by my tigers for amusement! I now determine half the town’s development!” It was as though this new jerk-lady knew exactly what to say to drive the party to violence.

On the way to the Brass Owl, the party exchanged a few knowing glances and sprung into action. The Mayor magicked these five foes from the North into an enthralling argument that ended with sobbing and slaughter. Bandersnatch, Datodel, and the Bravo surrounded the mayor to keep her safe. Nin exchanged purrs with the massive cats, then started to do her thing. Heads rolled. Long story short, the party cut through the entourage and captured an unconscious Luminary.

After the fight, 1-2-Hydrafaust was declared as Seamoor’s Independence Day. The party blew money on a great festival, hoping to inspire and unify the townsfolk. The next morning, the Luminary was interrogated gently, but she was obviously obsessed with Oizys. She will be tried by her Titan’s ex-subjects.

A small band descended into the sewers and found the scene of a battle. A boar man explained how evil the bat men were, and how foolish the party had been to use the Wishing Shell. The party patched up his wounds and sent him to his people.

Then, after discussions involving clauses like “No sexually assaulting people” and “Also please don’t mind control us”, the party released the unknown being from its prison. Yeah. We’ll see how that turns out.

The Sewer the Better

We found an entrance to the sewers beneath town. It had been bricked up by the property owner, so we paid for an iron trap door (with padlock) to be installed. Down, down, many stories below the city we descended. First Bandersnatch and Slithery Swamp Wolf, then the rest of the crew. As Bander’s eyes adjusted to the blackness of the underearth, she realized she was not alone. Two massive creatures with scrunched faces and skin hanging below their arms filled the small room. Bat men, with black and white striped faces. Their names were Erexa and Enorn, and they warned us of the “tuskers” who also inhabited this domain. The batmen live to the north, and the tuskers to the south.

To the west, we found a large room with a turtle statue. We determined that it may grant wishes, so we left ten thousand gold worth of gems into the water beneath and wished for a True Resurrection to be cast on our fallen friend Oceanous. Nothing obvious happened, but we hoped for the best.

We explored to the northeast and cleared a collapsed passage. Inside, we found a one-eyed statue, buried up to its chest in clay. The eye socket looked like it might fit a gem of some sort, so we made note to keep an EYE OUT, GET IT.

To the south, we found a staircase leading down. A few dead pigmen clued us in to the presence of a trap. Bandersnatch carefully disarmed it, and we made our way into a destroyed alchemical laboratory. A large door with many locks had a label “DANGER”, so naturally we opened it. Inside was a triangular room with a circular symbol painted on the floor. Trapped within was a man(?) with a feathered torso and fanged teeth. He purported to have great powers, and would do our bidding if we freed him. But things are rarely so simple. He wanted us to sign a contract, and indicated his penchant for flaying flesh and despoiling mortals. We settled to think it over, and return when we had an answer.

Descent to the Future

Sea Team was approaching Brightholm, the last major port before making their way back to Seamoor. At sunrise, the crew discovered a metal craft floating off the starboard bow. A hatch led belowdecks. The curious explorers decided to at least examine the entryway, but it was an airlock-style chamber, requiring full commitment to entering. The submarine began to dive! And (perhaps thankfully) the hatch above would not open. Orange-yellow lights spun about, illuminating the darkness.

Sea Team found a bag of goodies in the entrance. They dubbed them:

  • Barcode Scanner (a device that shows live creatures near the user)
  • Weird Suspenders (a leather article of clothing(?) that is wearable around the midsection)
  • A pistol (that destroys/dessicates its target)
  • A rifle (later dubbed The Screamer) with two power lights
  • Miscellaneous bits

A horrifying crab-man emerged from the left corridor. He rasped, “Are any of you a wizard?”. None of the team were, so none responded. The crab retreated “north”, and the team found him several yards back, hiding on the ceiling behind some pipes. The party reversed direction and headed south. There, they discovered fleshy, eggy mounds of organic material. Not wanting to release a swarm of submarine eel-monsters, the team tiptoed past.

After checking a few doors and finding old corpses in closets, the crew was surprised by a long worm bursting through a wall. It looked like it could have done serious damage, but the team chopped it down to size quickly.

Further on, the team discovered the ship’s bridge. A large flashing display indicated that a room midship was causing some sort of issue. The team began searching for that room.

In the belly of the ship, the team found a massive queen worm coiled around a nuclear reactor(?). A hard fight later, near to death, the team emerged victorious.

The main warning signal had stopped, but multiple other warnings lit up at the periphery of the ship. Unwilling to explore with few hitpoints and abilities remaining, the team holed up in the bridge, then the entryway.

The ship re-surfaced, but was obviously sinking. The crew disembarked, and watched their newly-discovered magic ship sink away, likely never to be found again.


“Seamoor is cut off from its neighbors by bandits and a supposed hydra. We may need an army to drive off the bandits, but how hard could a single creature be to hunt?”

These were the words that led to our violent defeat. The plan seemed simple enough. Track the hydra to its lair and kill it. Our previous experience fighting individual beasts made us overconfident.

Stalking through the humid morning swamplands, our crew steeled itself for the battle ahead. Oceanous bravely volunteered to scout ahead. He saw a huge bipedal hydra stomping around a bubbling pool, and reported back to the group. The battle plan was deceptively simple. Arrange into two groups: A firing group and a melee force, spearheaded by summoned shades and skeleton crocodiles. Charge. The hydra was only slightly out of position from our first observance of him. We let loose ranged attacks and got a good round or two of melee whacks in. Then the second, larger hydra arose from the bubbling pool. Right on our flank.

Even a second batch of summoned shades couldn’t shift the tide now. The hydras’ heads struck all of us, and Oceanous suffered the worst hits. Clutched in the jaws, a blast of cold froze Oceanous solid, and he shattered over the battlefield. The Wolfshead fell as well, but we only had a moment to grab a body part and flee.

Pay attention to bubbling pits.

Our Rise in the Fall

After our final fight with bandits, we humped it back home. The crew talked about getting a nice rest at the base, and sorting out their treasure shares. Unbeknownst to the A Team (also known as the Away Team), at that very moment, the home base was being attacked and the treasure room invaded.

As quiet a night as any, at Seamoor Headquarters. Nettie, Alisae, The New Alchemist (never bother to learn the frosh names), Mumbles, Alisae, and a few other members of B Team were chilling at home, yet oddly vigilant, when the assault began. “Why do they get all the excitement? Here we are, polishing the weapons, stocking the pantry. When are our glory days, huh?”, said someone off-camera. Loud footsteps, thudding on the ground outside. A grunt, a snarl, and then

Two of the house walls burst inwards. Gnolls, great and small, flooded in. In a surprisingly short time, the house denizens mobilized to defend themselves. The alchemist and Mumbles fought near the stairs. Datodel shot arrows from the second story. The massive gnoll fighters pushed back our men and women, and all looked lost. The small gnolls sniffed out the treasure, and began scrambling up to the second floor. Nettie had an idea, though a few seconds too late. She ran to the treasure room, unlocked it, and began beating the Drums of Panic. The gnolls scattered, but the few who followed Nettie into the treasure room made off with several bags. Thankfully, later inventories showed that only copper and gold had been stolen.

Back at the edge of town, the big fight went down. The illegitimate mayor-fraud led a group of gnolls and magically-created fungal copies of Grant Carlson. The A-Team won by the skin of their teeth, stealing a Grant-creating spell in the process.

After defeating the fake mayor, the Party accepted the Mayorship (Nytia), two council seats (Asmodeus and Antares), and Captain of the Guard (Nin).

Reckless Completionism

The two doors opened to a larger room with odd devices along the walls. Large metal clappers hung vertically along stone wall sections. If the clappers were pulled away from the wall and left to fall against the stone, they would send vibrations into the surrounding earth and draw out—what, some great worm? We weren’t about to find out. There was a natural burrow to the west that led to the river, and rooms to the south. We encountered no resistance and maybe picked up some items.

Bruised, low on spells, and feeling like even a tiny dagger stab would somehow explode our innards, we soldiered on. It was our moral duty to eliminate this bandit scourge, and reinvest their precious illbegotten wealth into the local economy.

We traveled to one of the last unexplored areas of the moat house and headed east down the wide corridor. On and on we walked, deeper and deeper into the ground. After 20 minutes of monotonous descent, we started imagining emerging in some sort of subterranean hell plane. We returned to the known corridors of the moat house and headed to where we thought the last bandits might hide.

We were right. We took a sharp corner and broke into the bandits’ kitchen. One man came at us with a cleaver while another raised the alarm with pots and pans. Of course they didn’t last long, but they probably didn’t expect to. Their compatriots had us cornered. A moment after the last cook fell, grenades rolled into the room from the corridor. A mass of twenty one bandits (including their leader Red) blocked our only exit. Noxious smoke filled most of the room, and we took cover to the sides of the door. Another round of explosives failed to finish us off, and we formulated an escape.

Antares’ dragon phased out of sight and reported on the bandits’ positions. When it returned, it summoned six dragonny friends and we prepared our rush. Two smokesticks were tossed out for cover, followed by an Alchemist’s Fist to knock them over if they were still grouped in the hallway. The summoned dragons led, followed by Nin, then Oceanous, then the rest. The bandits had retreated to either side of the previous corridor, and cut down half of the dragons immediately. Nin charged into the right batch while Antares burned down the left. The bandit lieutenants were a bit hardier, but even Red couldn’t stand up to Nin’s vorpal slashes. We won, gathered any gear we could find, and hightailed it out of there.

After a rest in the Alchemist’s House or anywhere safe, we plan to confront the false mayor, which will probably be a tough town-taking-over fight.

Of Frogs and Men

Another day breaks, and Antaris is chomping at the bit to go back to the most house.  The last time they went, they brought back an amazing haul, and he is certain there is more to be found. 

We still haven’t figured out a cure for the red water, and the ignorant town folk are still drinking from it, convinced we are trying to hoard the magic water for ourselves.  However, there’s probably not much treasure there, so the moat house it is. 

Having learned better than to approach directly, we take a much longer route out and around. Nin only has to soothe seven crocs, and we are in. We head down into the lower level.  Everything looks much as it had until we reach a new area. We find a room full of toad cultist robes and quickly swipe some for later, just in case. A few rooms later we hear about twenty people talking on the other side of a door.  After several minutes of deliberation, I cast Silver Tongue and we agree to attack at the first sign of aggression. We walk in and I greet them. There are two frog-like priests in large hats and around fifteen other frog cultists hanging out in their barracks.  Suddenly, we are met with the most heinous voices I have ever heard. I can’t even think straight, they are so annoying. Truly anything that sounds that awful must die immediately. One of the priests starts casting, and black mist starts rolling out from him. It’s the aggressive action we were waiting for.  Nin rushes forward and beheads the two priests while Antaris incinerates the ones on the left with his flame breath. I cast song of discord on the group of cultists to the right causing them turn on each other while Oceanus charges in with a lightning fast staff flurry takes out seven of the nine. Two remain alive but surrender immediately. They begin speaking again, something about joining their cult, but again the sound is so grating I am unable to feel sympathy for these wretches. Thankfully, Oceanus deftly puts them out of their misery allowing me to think straight again. We find some loot on the guys and start checking the room. Oceanus finds the head priest’s quarters in the next room with a open door leading away from it. He fears someone has heard and fled our mayhem. We decide to chase this creature down. A room and a hallway later, we open the door on their sanctuary.

At the front, before a large altar, and at the top of several steps  is a frog man with a giant hat. In front of him are two more frog men flanked by six archers in the alcoves on each side. In the aisle up the middle, are several more frog men. Just as we are walking in the priest begins chanting and a giant fireball explodes just in front of me. The pain is outrageous.  My bodyguard, who mysteriously wasn’t there when I needed her, runs up and helps put out the flames. I notice that the same thing has happened to Antaris, but he appears unresponsive at the moment. I crawl behind the nearest column for cover and heal myself. Now that I can think of something more than pain, I realize that Nin has been seriously injured by a couple of well-placed arrows and has retreated behind a pillar in an attempt to survive. Oceanus, while hit, is still up and taking down bandits and toad cultists. The head priest has taken an arrow but is still going strong. Nin’s boa has just succumbed to attacks from six short swords. Things are not looking good. Quickly, I rush to the far alcove full of archers along with Antaris’ mini-dragon. Antaris lines up to breathe fire on the priest and his two protectors on the platform. Oceanus readies an attack against the head guys for as soon as the fire dissipates. It is do or die for all of us. 

Antaris breathes fire taking out the two body guards and knocking the head guy to the floor. Oceanus rushes in for the coup de grace, and takes out the leader then immediately takes cover on the floor as four arrows fly by and two find their mark.  I cast shout on the six archers in the right alcove exploding their heads. Fortunately, the remaining five archers have seen enough in the past few seconds. They surrender we tie them up. 

The party begins searching the bodies and the sanctuary while I take time to heal everyone.  We find some platinum bracers and an enormous cache of coins and gems. Antaris uses his rod of detect magic to discover a hidden chamber in the priest’s ready room containing even more gems, money, and a giant 800 lb ivory worm statue ( Everyone needs one of those. ). Antaris again uses the rod on the sanctuary but discovers nothing; however, Oceanus taps on all of the columns, checking for any hollow sounds and strikes pay dirt, literally. Opening the column reveals a short dirt tunnel. At its end is a single stone set into the ceiling. Carefully, Oceanus pushes it up and out of the way revealing a room. Within it are a single skeleton and mosaics on the plaster walls. Leaving no stone unturned, we demolish the plaster walls revealing two doors. 


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