Deathless Gods

Session #1
New in town; Basement loot

Newly arrived in town, Ambrose the Alchemist and Nin the Fighter decide to set off into the wilderness and see if they happen upon any bandits. After encountering a gruff bridge guard by the name of Lieutenant Troll, they discover the Old Alchemist’s House. Inside, they find a magical ring in a chimney and slay some large centipedes. In the basement, they happen upon the corpse of a dead armored fellow. His skin crawls with rot grubs, but the two remove the armor and sword safely, leaving a corpse and some fine clothes.

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Session #3: Fancy Pants Cometh

A tale of Wine and Finery

The day started out like crap: thunderstorms, rain, and sorrow. We would not be deterred. We were determined to set out and finish exploring the alchemist house. While my alchemist buddy from the hood was recovering from a flesh wound . . . in his lung, my sister arrives with none other than a trust-worthy alchemist, who only slightly stands out; as he could be a power forward for the Miami Heat.

We quickly bring them up to speed on where we are and start out for the alchemist house. When my Telepathic warrior friend suddenly has a brilliant idea. Why not back door the thieving bastards and come in off the shore. Not knowing if this is possible, we quickly find a map-maker/hoodlum. (Meanwhile, I receive a delivery one that I had been waiting for. My bejeweled parachute pants I wanted some of these babies since MC Anvil did his thing back when I was a kid.) Anyway, I quickly put them on and joined the rest of the party at the map-makers. We quickly find out this guy is shady and a tool, like most people in this town. These traits seem to be a requirement for residency. We get extorted for a map that leaves something to be desired but ultimately does the job.

We set out with our map and our plan. On the way we encountered some surly crocs, We had to spend quite a bit of time convincing our warrior friend that this would not be a profitable fight nor one we were guaranteed to win. Reason won out and we left them alone. We found our way down to the shore and then quickly realized we needed a boat. Fast forward a couple of hours and we have one boat and easy access to the back entrance of the house.

As we enter the caverns and tie off our boat we find silk and brandy. Suddenly my plans for a harem are looking up! Then our new alchemist friend who has some trading experience alerts us to the value of said items. We quickly loot the hell out of them and move on. Inside as we go we come across . . . more silk and brandy. Rinse, repeat a couple more times. We discover that the entire place is pretty much empty except for a lot of silk and brandy most of the thieves have left. The only thing of interest was a door marked DANGER — which of course, being reasonable people, left us with no other option but to open the door. This netted us a fight with several piles of bones. They mainly just went crunch thanks to the God of Pop which my sister evoked on them. Once dead our power forward had seen enough of the secret levers in this place to know to start checking the torch sconces. Surprise, surprise, a door revealed itself as an undisturbed treasure trove of the long dead alchemist.

More money, more problems, but I think we can deal. So while uneventful we doubled our current treasury in loot and that is of course 10 times the income of the town we are in. So once we got back to town with all our loot, we promptly made the only sane decision. We are gonna build a big ass house and take over the damn town.

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Fancy Pants Goeth

Today started out like any other since I set out to escape that back-stabbing crime lord: cloudy and surrounded by poor people.  We were unexpectedly interrupted by one of the city council’s lackeys letting us know that we are expected to attend the next council meeting. After some deliberation, we finally decided it was time to get to know the people we intend to replace.  The corruption and overwhelming ineptitude of leadership in this town is appalling.  Clearly, anyone could do it better, even us.  
 
At the meeting we learned that Lieutenant Troll has been charging us more than 10x the actual toll rate and we met the mayor, a total joke of a man, but one who has charged us with finding the smugglers ship and putting an end to their influence in the area. Another council member is building a new ritzy (like they even know what that is in this dilapidated collection of hovels) inn and is hoping we might find him a centerpiece that will attract wealthy travelers and serve as a namesake.  Additionally, he is having trouble motivating his builders and thought we might be able to do something about that as well.  
 
Before leaving the council meeting we noticed that it was quite strange just how much the council members love Myras Tethane’s pies.  Asmodeus swiped a piece before leaving and was later able to determine that it is made from an unidentified meat which is definitely not the fish on which this town usually subsists. Since our warrior took a vacation day, the three of us squishies decided to look into this delicious pie mystery.  While Asmodeus was further examining the pie for chemical clues, Grant and I took turns staking out the pie shop and checking their garbage heap. No closer to solving the mystery, we decided to confront Myras head on.  
 
Upon arriving at the pie shop, we learned that he is actually in charge of the Baking Guild which employs many shop workers and all the bakers in town.  We notice near the front door and at the back, two doors labeled “Employees Only” making us only that much more suspicious of the clearly evil and conniving baker. Of course the front desk clerk tried to throw us off the trail by being super nice and helpful and offering to set up an appointment with Myras, but we saw right through him knowing that they would simply hide all the evidence before the meeting, and decided to simply walk into the back room and speak to Myras immediately.  Another shop worker stopped us and offered to go in the back and ask Myras to come talk to us.  After ten extremely long and tedious minutes, he finally returned stating that Myras would be out to talk to us.  We sat their waiting patiently for another five endless minutes before we had had enough of being ignored.  Grant and Asmodeus easily bribe the man into leaving with a gold coin and open the door.  However, we could not have expected to see six angry cooks inside, none of which was Myras.  After briefly considering rushing past them to catch Myras red-handed, I decide we need to leave.  I guess Asmodeus was at the end of his rope because unexpectedly, and very uncharacteristically I might add, he rushes past me to the “Employees Only” door at the front, raises his leg, and kicks with all his might at the ‘fly-paper thin’ door.  One bruised ankle later, he pulls out his crow bar and forces open the door just as the bribed employee walks in with the town guard.  We had cleverly found the bakery guilty of hording brooms and mops in that closet.  We handed over another gold piece for damages and quickly left, promising it wouldn’t happen again.
 
Discouraged and embarrassed, we decide to head out of town to see if we can discover how the smugglers had been communicating with the ship from the alchemist’s house thinking that surely we could survive an area we had mostly cleared already.  Our pansy alchemist insisted that we first hire a couple guards to go with us in case of trouble. We cleverly recruit a mentally questionable taxidermist and an experienced fish slayer with a crush on Nin. We made it to the alchemist’s house without incident and head upstairs astutely noticing and bypassing a rotten section of floor just waiting to collapse and take one or more of us with it. The first room we come to is empty, so far so good; we might just survive this thing.  We start carefully checking out the room looking for treasure when Grant finds a beautiful golden cloak in the armoire.  This is too easy!  He reaches to add it to our inventory when instantly the area is inundated with YELLOW MOLD SPORES!!! Grant falls over convulsing, and I jump back toward Asmodeus and the door nearly coughing up my lungs. After several moments of being unaware of anything except the horrible pain in my lungs I revive enough to heal myself and realize that our fearless mage Grant is no more.
 
We decide to check out the rest of the floor before deciding what to do about my mold-covered brother.  We find several more unoccupied rooms, a small amount of loot, the deed and plans for the house, and run away from the red glowing eyes of two evil, mechanical ostriches in the attic.  Using Asmo’s sun rods to kill the yellow mold, we take Grant’s body with us and arrive back in town shaken, and hoping that next time we will have a true warrior to protect us.

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The Ghost of Fancy Pants

Well shit …..I died. How about that shit…wish I could write an epic sonnet about how heroic and brave I died fighting against the evils that ravage our world. “I quickly turned and launched a magic missile that killed the troll right as the throwing axe lodged into my skull.” Nope nothing like that I died to …mold… yep the shit that grows on a wet rag left in a sink…or on the bread that you swore you were gonna eat but didn’t quite get there in time. The tale of the Fantastical Grant of the Bronze Order and his MC Anvil pants comes to an end. Sad day I will mourn for Grant but even more so for those damn fancy pants.

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Golden Badger Don't Give A Shit

The wizard and I decided to do some squishy exploration while our comrades rested.

We spoke to the cleric about her disappearing congregation. She suspected a rival cult. While investigating, many doors were slammed in our face. Finally, we bribed a member into meeting us that evening. The cleric lent us some town guard to counter what we assumed was an ambush.

Upon arrival, some sketchy-looking town members stood in a circle below a pier. When we got within a few feet of them, they broke ranks and a ravenous ghoul-like creature attacked us. A quick medium-strength blast from the wand sent most of them scattering. We killed the ghoul and the remaining cultists.

Back at the Alchemist’s House, we cleared the remainder of the first floor. A cache of books gave us a good start on a wizard’s library, and we discovered a code sheet for the smugglers’ lantern signals.

Remembering another unexplored area, we headed to the lower caverns. Before entering the narrow chasm ourselves, we settled on a plan to lure any monsters out. The bloodhound lure worked perfectly, and a great twelve-legged golden ferret/badger/creature emerged. We called it the Golden Badger Firefox. When we spoke, it hissed loudly and, I’m embarrassed to say, I panicked. I tossed some MyFire at it, and it reacted. Violently. The fire didn’t seem to hurt it at all, but it jumped at us and tore poor misguided Baboleth in twain. He never stood a chance. We fled. I can still hear the hissing and the abbreviated scream.

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The Charge of the Short Brigade

Half a league, half a league,
Half a league seaward,
Lain in the rowboat of Death
    Rode the tarp-covered.
“Forward, Short Brigade!
“Charge for the mage!” he said:
Onto the galley of Death
    stowed the dwarf thunder.

“Forward, the Short Brigade!”
Was there a man dismay’d?
Not tho’ the sailor knew
    Someone had blunder’d:
His not to make reply,
His not to reason why,
His but to do and die:
Into the galley of Death
    leapt the dwarf thunder.

Pirate to right of him,
Pirate to left of him,
Pirate in front of him
    Volley’d and thunder’d;
Storm’d at with shot and spell,
Boldly he wades and well,
Into the jaws of Death,
Into the mouth of Hell
   Hewed the dwarf thunder.
While dwarf and hero fell,
They that had fought so well
Came thro’ the jaws of Death
Back from the mouth of Hell,
All that was left of him,
   Less of dwarf thunder.

When can his glory fade?
O the wild charge he made!
    All the world wondered.
Honor the charge he made,
Honor the Short Brigade,
    Noble dwarf thunder.

(original)

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The C Team

So there we were on the brink of assaulting a superior force on unknown terrain precisely the kind of mission we love. If you need help and the authorities can’t do anything, and your fortunate to get in contact with us. We’re the best. We’re the C team. We had gotten a mission from the distraught families in the town about the pirate activity and smuggling operations that needed fixing.

We had previously searched their former hideout and found a signaling code for the ship that passes by to smuggle the goods. We were staking the place out when the ship arrived late one evening and we used the signal. Apparently we figured out the code correctly because they sent a small boat with a couple of pirate bastards. We quickly pulled the duck around a corner and pop them as they pursue. Which neatly gave us our disguise’s. I started forming our plan up then. Face and BA would go the direct route back to the ship while Murdock and a couple of the town’s finest went around to the port side of the ship. Take them by surprise and do a pincher attack; stupid enough to get us killed, but crazy enough to work.

Face and BA took their time so that the others had to time to be boarding in tandem. Face started his slow ascent up the ladder with BA tucked under some tarps in the boat looking like goods being smuggled. As Face reached the top of the ladder he does what he does best talking. He gets all of their attention and begins back up to the rear of the ship. As they begin to try and take him prisoner BA climbs up behind them and gets ready for the ambush. Face pulls a hidden weapon and smashes one of the swabs upside the head. BA pulls a gun and a blade pulls the trigger of the gun on…the accountant? Well those will be the last books he cooks. He does a follow up swing on the captain getting his attention. Funny thing was the accountant starts to get up from a fucking bullet to the head. Luckily, Murdock shows up just in time with the Calvary and smashes the accountant over the head caving in his skull. The guards split off one helping BA and one helping Face. Then things got bad more swabs showed up to support the captain and his first mate. We killed some swabs and then the first mate took the one thing from Face he never wanted anyone to take…his face. The blood and bone shattered and he dove overboard to avoid the finishing blow. The first mate took some serious injuries as did the captain then a horn blew over the action and we all knew it was trouble. If two fuglies wasn’t bad enough a fucking monster of a man with a hook shows up with about six swabs. The blows get even more heated the first mate sails to see Davy Jones with the captain shortly behind but BA took some bad shots. Even so he waded right into the middle of the swabs to get at the newly appointed Captain Hook. Murdock and the last remaining guard try to give back up to BA, while face begins climbing up the ladder again to come in from behind the action. The last guard goes down with a shot to his shoulder. BA loses a finger and then his leg but the die hard fucker gave Hook some serious shots of his own. BA continues to fight from the ground like the bloody black knight from Python’s. Both look ready to collapse then we see it the shot that kills BA. It throws both Murdock and Face into rages and they beat hook to death.

With no leadership all the swabs surrender and we begin taking our spoils.

I love it when a plan comes together!

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Here there be dragons

So today we thought we would take a quiet stroll around the area to the east of town, and maybe look for some clues as to why more people don’t travel this way.  It started out as a lovely day, and before long we ran into a nice country-boy elf sitting on the side of the road. He kindly warned us of the thieves camp to the north, no doubt the clue we’ve been looking for, and the nearby moat house rumored to house a dragon.  

Being the curious group that we are, we of course head straight for the dragon assuming that in reality this is just a rumor spread among the locals to keep them from finding the treasure. 

Upon reaching the moat house we spot a 6 ft tall dead frog floating in the moat. It appears he has served as an incubator for several unknown creatures that have now moved on. Clearly not killed by a dragon, we cross the newly constructed bridge and peer into the courtyard. No one is about, but there are many footprints and a giant dark stain on the stairs across the way. Upon noting that some of these prints are 4-5 feet long, Asmodeus and I feel that perhaps we should leave while we can.  I can only assume that TBD felt these print were left here to further the ruse as he continued across the yard to confirm that the giant dark stain was in fact blood. 

About this time, the broken doors of the moat house fly open revealing something worse than we had imagined. Not only is it a dragon, but it is a huge evil dragon from another plane of existence bent on invading our peaceful land (oh, and eating us). Using my mad talking skills, I am briefly able to delay our doom. We learn that he has other captives within that serve as his playthings, and futilely attempt to get him to attack the thieves camp nearby by telling him they are an army amassing against him.  Ultimately his patience runs thin and he approaches Asmodeus intent on a snack. Thinking quick, Asmodeus flings his entire sack of alchemical items into the dragons open mouth giving him the slightest head start at escape. Everything in the sack explodes at once injuring the dragon slightly and healing him almost as much. It does have the happy effect of preventing fire breathing and after only receiving one tail swipe, we are all able to escape to safety. Oddly, it would seem that something is holding the dragon within the moat house’s walls, but we are not fool enough to stick around and test this out.  
We run for our lives back toward town  long after the moat house and the dragon are out sight.  Eventually,   out of both breath and energy, we slow only slightly to rejoice in our narrow escape. Reaching the intersection that will lead us home, we notice the ground before us erupting only a second before we are confronted by three giant four-foot-long black angry beetles. Asmodeus and Will take the foreground while TBD and I start shooting. Quickly Asmodeus is gravely injured and starts to retreat.  He doesn’t get far before Will also goes down. Just as all seems lost, miraculously, TBD puts one to sleep and one of our shots smashes in the skull of another.  We slay the sleeping beetle, and Asmodeus loots them for ingredients to replenish his empty alchemy stash. 
Perhaps next time we consider taking a stroll across the countryside, we will remember this day and stay at home instead. 

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Overheard

Overheard at the Fish’s Cock

A tall man hunches over a table. Two empty wine bottles and dozens of scroll fragments litter the ground. He’s been here every night for weeks. A parade of odd-looking characters stop by every hour or two to check on him.

<to himself> “…but the goddamn thing roasts us. Can’t risk open ground. A way. Those precious bodily fluids. Gallons…” He hushes as a barmaid makes her rounds near him. “…thirty and a half by width. Where will it be? Will poison spoil? Don’t want it blown to chunks for the river to sweep away. Never afford my master’s program with these interest rates”

A dwarf wearing leathers and a platemail breastplate slinks in, apparently having entered through the kitchen. He approaches the gangly mutterer and puts a rough hand on his shoulder. The scribe jumps at the intrusion, but his eyes soften as he recognizes the dwarf. The two sit and share swigs from the dwarf’s flask. The tall man repeatedly jabs at two papers, becoming more animated.

“It WILL work. I know more now. It won’t be like last time. They’ll give out, and we’ll have a window to rush in and finish it off.”

The dwarf nods, but scowls and remains silent.

“Who knows what’s in there? Maybe enough for us to retire. Go back to the city. Or the hold. Just follow the plan. Stay clear of its mouth and nothing can go wrong.”

The dwarf’s shoulders slump, and he leaves.

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Kill the Dragon, KILL THE DRAGON!!!

 While I was completely ready to spend the rest of my existence hiding or running from the terrifying beast we met last week in the moat house, my cohorts ultimately convinced me that he would only get stronger and our world would only increasingly become populated by more over-grown monster beasts if we did not act immediately to take him out.  Still shaking in my boots, we traveled to a nearby seer with expert knowledge of tarragons and paid him well to learn that poison would likely be completely ineffective. We considered at length how to convince the 100 or so nearby bandits to help us take him down, but the idea of bringing two unpredictable enemies together with us anywhere near seemed a volatile recipe for a most unpleasant slaying of our entire party. Our next thought was to get him to swallow some shrapnel grenades, but ideas for getting him to eat said grenades reliably were in short supply.  Finally, and with unknown potential consequences to any treasure or captives within the moat house, we settled on bombs (having an alchemist around is useful after all).

Oceanus did our reconnaissance and we learned that the dragon periodically left the moat house and flew in random directions for about an hour at a time, giving us plenty of time to set up an exploding trip-wire trap just inside the large moat house doors.  He also learned that the mayor is more corrupt than we had previously though possible.  It would seem that he is in league with the dragon as we he was seen traveling solo into the moat house and then leaving and heading back to town a short while later.  We definitely need to take that guy out sooner rather than later if he is working with evil entities from other dimensions bent on taking over and destroying our world.

So Asmodeus works hard and gets two mini kegs full of black powder and around 25 vials of alchemist fire ready to go while Oceanus sneaks back into the moat house to ensure that we will have a good place to set up the trap. At the same time, TBD and I hire some locals to make us come ghillie tarps and outfits.   We were finally ready.  All of us head down to the moat house.  Oceanus submerges in the water preparing to signal us once the dragon finally leaves again.  The rest of us wait in the reeds nearby under our tarps.  It’s not long before we hear the signal and we rush in to set the trap.  The trip wire is strung across the floor and carefully camouflaged.   About 25 vials of alchemist fire are hid just behind and over the door waiting to fall on his back.  Finally, two single vials are hung over each side of the door readied to fall onto the fuses of the two mini kegs of black powder on either side of the door.

With the trap set, we go back out and wait under our tarps once more.  Before long, the terrible beast returns.  He lands in the courtyard and there are many long seconds of silence while we wait and hope that the trap will work. Finally, we hear the giant explosion and everyone rushes the moat house.  I transform into a radiant angel planning to drop more alchemist fire onto the tarragon from overhead.  As we enter the courtyard, we do in fact see that the moat house foyer has collapsed onto the beast and he is down but not out.  Our ranged attacks prove useless, but our warriors work well stabbing and slicing out his remaining life.  Unfortunately, just before succumbing to the complete loss of the top of his skull, the dragon is able to get a single nonlethal swipe on Will and a final breath attack on Hamrock leaving us nothing to mourn but a single pair of smoking boots.

And then silence. It is all over as we stare in stunned silence that we have accomplished the impossible.  We have taken out a giant dragon and almost all of us have survived.  I am shocked beyond belief. Sieg-Freed Enroy must truly have stood by us today.

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